Archive for October, 2016
Sorry I’ve been away for so long, but I’ve been busy, getting on with my new life.
So, we can now vote early here in New Mexico, and a certain Republican has stuck his foot in it, and this whole bit, and he, may become irrelevant any day.
So on the eve of the 2nd Presidential Debate, I give you:
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November 8th, 2016
In an alternate reality, very similar to our own…
And what will he say on election day, once enough of the votes have been counted, and FOX NEWS has declared he won?
“America, YOU’RE FIRED!”
Long stare into the camera.
“I don’t believe how stupid you are!
“How the hell did this happen?
“So, I’m at this retreat for rich white guys out West someplace, you know, the one run by those two brothers, and a few other rich old, white guys.
“A group of them comes up to me, takes me into a private room, and they says, ‘You know, we think you oughtta do it. You oughtta run for President.’
“I practically spit out my drink, and I says to them, I says, ‘You really think they’d vote for me? You’re crazy. I fake fire people on television. I’ve been bankrupt more times than I can count. I’ve got a list of failed businesses that the American people ended up paying for. I’m a clown. Nobody will ever vote for me!’”
“And they look right back and say, ‘We can do it. We’ll make it happen. All you gotta do is show up, yell at some people that we plant in the crowd for a half hour, 45 minutes, tops. Then you do the speech. Talk about how bad everything is, insult the local politicians, complain about immigrants and illegal aliens.
“‘Yeah, tell `em you’re gonna build a giant wall, y’know like on that Game of Thrones show, all across the Mexican border, and you’ll make Mexico pay for it!’
“And another guy says, ‘Yeah and you gotta really go off on a religion, too. Let’s see… Oh yeah, I got it, Islam. Make all the Muslims nervous, and scare the public with stupid claims about terrorists, and ISIS. Really work the people up. You’re the best at that! Make `em scared, and start your followers lookin’ at those guys funny, like they’re all a buncha criminals!’
“And this little guy pipes up and says, ‘Tell him about the race thing!’
“And the other guy gives the little guy a look like he’s gonna slap him, and says, ‘Calm down, I’ll tell him. We think it’d be fun if you started a race war. You know, start spoutin’ off White Supremacy stuff, get David Duke and some of them White Power militia types on our side. But no Nazis. Too obvious. That’d be too much. Thing would crumble like a house of cards.’
“I says, ‘Guys, this sounds like a bad science fiction novel. Nobody’ll believe it.’
“You know what they said then? Get a load’a this!
‘”If it don’t work out”, they says, `and nobody buys our line of bullshit (that’s what they said, bullshit. Don’t gimme that, they say it on TV!), as long as you can keep it goin’ for a few months, we’ll have lots of footage of your (air quotes) campaign (close air quotes). Then, we just edit all the footage and turn it into a comedy reality show: Your life on the Road to The White House. That’s a pretty good title, eh?’
“`We’ll throw in some family stuff, and plenty of that hot wife of yours, that’s for sure. We’ll do a Real Housewives thing with her and all her hot girlfriends. C’mon, It’ll be a laugh!’ they said.
“A laugh. Are you laughing America? Any of this seem funny to you?”
“See, I was thinkin’, just run it `til April Fools Day and declare the whole thing was just a bad joke. But then it started gettin’ interesting, so I figured I’d play it out. It was a joke!”
Long hard stare right down the throat of the camera with that snarky “You’re fired!” look.
“So America, you get the idea, I never wanted to be President. I just wanted to see just how far you’d go, you idiots! You’re FIRED! I ain’t doin’ it!”
“What, you’re gonna go with my running mate? He’s a bigger idiot than I am. When you let THAT slide, I started wondering how bad it was really gonna get, so I ran with it!
“I’ll do one thing as President. I’ll declare a DO-OVER! Maybe you’ll get it right the second time!
“Then I’ll retire on that $475,000 pension, you morons. You NEVER saw this coming? Seriously?
“You all need help. Hey, there’s my next fortune. Cheap psychiatric help from the graduates of The DRUMPH Psychiatric University! We’ll get Doctor Laura on staff, maybe Doctor Phil, too. Yeah, and we’ll do our own financing. I’ll get rich, AGAIN!”
Mic drop. Walk off stage.
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